Temporary is an understatement!

So....lets see here I am @ blame the most. Why get so caught up in someone?!? You know how you may think they maybe the one for right now....those guys don't even turn out to be for right then....they are just there for that millisecond! SERIOUSLY. It frustrates me because your so contradicting and that pisses me off beyond reason. How in the hell are you gonna be jealous but yet you are hardly even interested. Your attention span is the same as a toddler's. . . . frustrating in so many ways you seem to be. You want it then you don't. . . I'm TRULY over your games b/c that is exactly what they are....whether you realize it or not. It's not fair to me.... and I apologize for even letting it get this far....How silly of me to even entertain the fact. Your a baby. I'm so in the wrong but maybe I thought there was some slight chance, some glimpse of hope that maybe ...naw lets not even go there b/c tonight I have reacquainted myself with reality of the situation.

Funny thing about this entire thing is I actually started to question myself....which is something I should never do. God made me EXACTLY as I am and there is no mistake ! I can't believe I almost got that far . . . God made me and he made someone for me. I can't wait to see who it is... I'm actually excited. The next couple of milestones in my life are tests . . . and I'm gonna pass with FLYING COLORS! South Carolina State ain't ready for me.... but I'm ready for it.

It's been a LONG TIME!

So I've definitely missed blogging about my life and what troubles me and my frustrations that happen in my life so I'm back! Well anyways this year has been a trip in a half. I haven't been in school....so you know everyone is giving me mouth about it and it's starting to really bug me out. Like I know I'm not in school but @ least I'm doing something with my life . . . I work full time as a teachers assistant and I ABSOLUTELY love it. I have my days when I'm like....UGH! But I mean who doesn't?!? It's all about me growing and learning to be a mature adult. I have bills to pay now and I also pay rent....120.00 a month! Man....that's some inexpensive rent ! Besides the rent I take care of my car, food, and what I need. So I'm pretty much on my own but I need to work on getting my own place then I'll be in there like swimwear! =) Well that's all for now....I'll be sure to blogg more often. And also follow me on twitter @ www.twitter.com/BerMarie!

2 o 0 9[expectations]

So we all know it's a new year and everybody of course has the new years resolutions and all that other good stuff..but i don't have resolutions I have expectations . . . better yet I have demands for myself that i BETTER live up too. Just recently I've come from a Winter Retreat with my church and I've learned a lot in the short time I was there. That I have A LOT of rejection to deal with ... you know I learned that I was confusing my REJECTION with REBUKING. When someone rebukes me its for my better self or basically for correction . . . when someone is rejecting me I can either let it build me up or tear me down and in the year of 2o08 I let it tear me down. In 2o08 i first dealt with losing a very close friend of mine to an enlarged heart and the craziest thing about it is...it could've been predicted but it wasn't and I had a very hard time dealing with it. Later on in April less then 2 mos. away from graduation my father calls to tell me I can no longer come to stay with him in Texas for college that it wouldn't work out because his job is up rooting him from Texas to move to Slisdell, Louisiana . . . but he sure did say that he would come to graduation. Just to find out the week before graduation that he wasn't coming because his "job" wouldn't let him off. And that struck me as funny because I told him about in December of '07. But it was all good. And not only he didn't come but my Aunt his sister couldn't come along with their parents whom are my grandparents(but they actually have an excuse they're ill and have a hard time traveling long distances). I think that's the BIGGEST rejection I've yet to deal with in and in not dealing with it I've choose a lot of paths that haven't taken me UP in life but have brought me DOWN. Hints the choices in the terrible dudes I've let into my life and hints why I allow them to treat me the way that I do. Because of the man figure in my life well shall i say the lacking of a man figure in my life. And I've also dealt with rejection in my own home as far as my Mother and I go. There's been this man in our house since I was 7 and he isn't just some man but he is my new found step father and he has disrespected and cheated on my mother as well and that was one of the many rejections I HAVEN'T dealt with but I'm dealing with it now. And there are times when I feel like my mother has placed him before me and she actually has placed him before me but what can a CHILD do or say? But in this year of '09 I won't take just anything or anyone. I'm waiting for that rock to hold me down and to always have my back. I just see it as all of my relationships where STEPPING STONES or better yet PEBBLES. They taught me valuable lessons throughout my life with not just relationships of the opposite sex but just relationships period. With friends and family. I'm gonna stay on track and I'm gonna do what God has asked and called me too. I'm tired of being unhappy . . .
You know there was a point that my Youth Leader wanted us to remember from one of the messages we learned which was based off the reality show I wanna Work For Diddy.
And If you've ever watched that show people go above and beyond just for the POSSIBILITY of working for him and with God you don't even have to audition all you have to do is believe in him and do what your supposed to do!! And you'll have eternal life in Heaven with him! I've never really thought about it like that ... but now that I do It puts a LOT of things in perspective!

New Cd's i BUMP in my Camry

OMG B-ROCKA IS IN THE HOUSE!!!
I've always been a BIG fan of Brandy from I wanna be down to Sitting on top of the World...to ALmost Doesn't Count...to Full Moon....to Who is she to You?! SHE is amazing her voice is unlike no others...and when she comes back she always comes back hard. This CD is so...unlike the rest I believe. It's like she has gotten older or matured which isn't a BAD thing!!! lol....I really like Paino Man...I think that's my favorite song off the CD right now...but yeah. Two thumbs up and a BIG TOE!!!!!

This CD...idk how I really feel about it yet. Like I don't like every song; but the song's i do like I can JAM to, ya know?!? But it's FRIGGIN Beyonce' ya know?!?! Idk....her slow songs i really do like...they're so sweet. But Sasha Fierce can be a LITTLE to much to handle with her video phone but then again i like Sasha with her song's called Hello & Ego. It's not Beyonce's best but I don't think its her worst either!

Kanye West...ya know his last CD was so good and i thought this one was gonna be like the BOMB!! ya know but he makes me really sad on this CD and he is SINGING on every song...like WTH?!?! I love it when he raps....it's just really frustrating. There are a few songs i can bump too but over all...If you wanna kill yourself then this is the album to do it! "(

So let me just start off by saying there are SOOOO many moods I can be in & still wanna listen to this AWESOME cd.! Like he makes me hate love...he makes me wanna be in love...he makes me demand satisfaction....idk. It's jsut great though. I've always thought John Legend was gr8 but this CD makes me look at him in another lighting....lol. Idk why but it does! But I think IT's whats really hot.

frustration!!!!!!

so....i'm just frustrated. Like UGH!!! so mad. I was just saying to my friend how happy my life has been and ya know...that I haven't been on a natural high about life in a while and ya know....idk. It just feels good to not have a CARE in the world. Like i still care about things but to not have to worry about drama or hurting someone's feelings intentionally which is what i feel people are trying to do to me.

I LOVE my church and when i say LOVE i mean LOVE!! I have this peace there that no one can mess with, but lately i feel like my stance is getting weary. There is always drama and i have been the culprit for the last big issues. And it's frustrating for me because the people I have "issues" with are the very same people who take THEIR frustrations out on people but have the audacity to be sensitive. They haven't come to me to talk about "ISSUES" that we have and i'm just feeling like maybe I'm not meant to be in that ministry anymore...maybe i should really just grow up . . . and not be apart of that. I feel like everything that i try to pour into the minstry doesn't help . . . but in fact what i do pour in is just negativity. So i think i'm at a cross roads...i'm starting to see why my best friend is so turned off about church . . .

Like everything was so clear yesterday and now my path feels like its foggy or something like i don't know if i have a purpose there in anymore. Like the inquities of my body are surley taking over my heart and mind. It's just hard with everything thats on my plate. I just feel like there is no one who i myself can truly relate to anymore. I just feel incompletion and frustration. And i know that the only one that can help me is God but maybe he is frustrated with me as well. I just don't think after what happened last night...idk how i feel and how he feels. I honestly never had ill intentions with the people i have "issues" with....but now i felt as if i'm looked upon as a malicous young adult with nothing else to do with her time...maybe i'm reading too much into this...i just felt this sharp pain as the reprecussions of my actions came to bite me in my rump. . .

FRUSTRATION!!!!!!!

s t u c k y_<3

falling in love with him was never planned...
quivering from the slightest touch from his hand...
dealing with drama that last a lifetime ... here i am...
i'm s t u c k

over the months i begin to see
that i was so into you, that i was losing me
all about you; it wasn't supposed to be
once again i'm s t u c k

talking to a friend about you...
all the drama you put me though
dealing with shit i didn't have too
Amber, I can see your s t u c k

He said he felt the same way
he said he loved Lisa but the chemistry was slacking day by day
he was so frustrated ...he said
"Can i continue?"
I said "Of course you may!"
we realized we where both s t u c k y ' s

As days passed we would text more & more
feelings came about that I wanted to explore
we connected on a personal unlike no one before
i started crave for something more
but we were both s t u c k

that Saturday night he said "There is something i must tell you..."
i was so confused but I found myself on edge too...
And he said
"I'm trying to set this up the right way...You see Amber I've been feeling you since the 9th grade...I know i should've said something before but I couldn't find the words to say. . ."
I sat there in shock as i kept reading the text that was sent...on edge I was in a deep existence. I couldn't believe what it had said...
I texted him and i said I liked him too and that we should be undercover boo's[lol]
He agreed and said that works too...

I swore i'd hit the jack pot this just could be it...
he was a chocolate brother who's words made my heart shift
I was so excited I couldn't stand it
had we both became u n s t u c k?!

part II 2 be released soon!!!!

my bad

Anger can't describe what I feel
your UNBELIEVABLE
. . .seriously. . .
You believe thing you do and say even when your LYING!!!

You are the most inconsiderate ass wipe I've ever met. To think i genuinely liked you and cared for you...when all you care about is yourself!!!

Sometimes I find myself plotting out ways to make you suffer like the pain you have caused others; but that just proves that you have the best of me and I refuse for that to happen!

I seriously don't understand how one person can LIE so much but hate being called a liar. And the saddest part about it is you actually think that your lie's are TRUE!!!! The case of bitchassness that you have is RARE and non manageable. I truly wish i NEVER engaged with you on that level...my feelings have turned into HATRED and RESENTMENT.

I will move forward with OUT you in my life; I'm gonna stop blocking my BLESSINGS!!!

I DON'T NEED YOU; ALL I NEED IS GOD!!!

after all of this i can say you are a glimpse in my lesson's learned.
and I'm through looking back!