Temporary is an understatement!

So....lets see here I am @ blame the most. Why get so caught up in someone?!? You know how you may think they maybe the one for right now....those guys don't even turn out to be for right then....they are just there for that millisecond! SERIOUSLY. It frustrates me because your so contradicting and that pisses me off beyond reason. How in the hell are you gonna be jealous but yet you are hardly even interested. Your attention span is the same as a toddler's. . . . frustrating in so many ways you seem to be. You want it then you don't. . . I'm TRULY over your games b/c that is exactly what they are....whether you realize it or not. It's not fair to me.... and I apologize for even letting it get this far....How silly of me to even entertain the fact. Your a baby. I'm so in the wrong but maybe I thought there was some slight chance, some glimpse of hope that maybe ...naw lets not even go there b/c tonight I have reacquainted myself with reality of the situation.

Funny thing about this entire thing is I actually started to question myself....which is something I should never do. God made me EXACTLY as I am and there is no mistake ! I can't believe I almost got that far . . . God made me and he made someone for me. I can't wait to see who it is... I'm actually excited. The next couple of milestones in my life are tests . . . and I'm gonna pass with FLYING COLORS! South Carolina State ain't ready for me.... but I'm ready for it.

It's been a LONG TIME!

So I've definitely missed blogging about my life and what troubles me and my frustrations that happen in my life so I'm back! Well anyways this year has been a trip in a half. I haven't been in school....so you know everyone is giving me mouth about it and it's starting to really bug me out. Like I know I'm not in school but @ least I'm doing something with my life . . . I work full time as a teachers assistant and I ABSOLUTELY love it. I have my days when I'm like....UGH! But I mean who doesn't?!? It's all about me growing and learning to be a mature adult. I have bills to pay now and I also pay rent....120.00 a month! Man....that's some inexpensive rent ! Besides the rent I take care of my car, food, and what I need. So I'm pretty much on my own but I need to work on getting my own place then I'll be in there like swimwear! =) Well that's all for now....I'll be sure to blogg more often. And also follow me on twitter @ www.twitter.com/BerMarie!

2 o 0 9[expectations]

So we all know it's a new year and everybody of course has the new years resolutions and all that other good stuff..but i don't have resolutions I have expectations . . . better yet I have demands for myself that i BETTER live up too. Just recently I've come from a Winter Retreat with my church and I've learned a lot in the short time I was there. That I have A LOT of rejection to deal with ... you know I learned that I was confusing my REJECTION with REBUKING. When someone rebukes me its for my better self or basically for correction . . . when someone is rejecting me I can either let it build me up or tear me down and in the year of 2o08 I let it tear me down. In 2o08 i first dealt with losing a very close friend of mine to an enlarged heart and the craziest thing about it is...it could've been predicted but it wasn't and I had a very hard time dealing with it. Later on in April less then 2 mos. away from graduation my father calls to tell me I can no longer come to stay with him in Texas for college that it wouldn't work out because his job is up rooting him from Texas to move to Slisdell, Louisiana . . . but he sure did say that he would come to graduation. Just to find out the week before graduation that he wasn't coming because his "job" wouldn't let him off. And that struck me as funny because I told him about in December of '07. But it was all good. And not only he didn't come but my Aunt his sister couldn't come along with their parents whom are my grandparents(but they actually have an excuse they're ill and have a hard time traveling long distances). I think that's the BIGGEST rejection I've yet to deal with in and in not dealing with it I've choose a lot of paths that haven't taken me UP in life but have brought me DOWN. Hints the choices in the terrible dudes I've let into my life and hints why I allow them to treat me the way that I do. Because of the man figure in my life well shall i say the lacking of a man figure in my life. And I've also dealt with rejection in my own home as far as my Mother and I go. There's been this man in our house since I was 7 and he isn't just some man but he is my new found step father and he has disrespected and cheated on my mother as well and that was one of the many rejections I HAVEN'T dealt with but I'm dealing with it now. And there are times when I feel like my mother has placed him before me and she actually has placed him before me but what can a CHILD do or say? But in this year of '09 I won't take just anything or anyone. I'm waiting for that rock to hold me down and to always have my back. I just see it as all of my relationships where STEPPING STONES or better yet PEBBLES. They taught me valuable lessons throughout my life with not just relationships of the opposite sex but just relationships period. With friends and family. I'm gonna stay on track and I'm gonna do what God has asked and called me too. I'm tired of being unhappy . . .
You know there was a point that my Youth Leader wanted us to remember from one of the messages we learned which was based off the reality show I wanna Work For Diddy.
And If you've ever watched that show people go above and beyond just for the POSSIBILITY of working for him and with God you don't even have to audition all you have to do is believe in him and do what your supposed to do!! And you'll have eternal life in Heaven with him! I've never really thought about it like that ... but now that I do It puts a LOT of things in perspective!